Battles

I haven't been at my church since December 21,2014.  We had our choir cantata that day. It was beautiful. Since then, we celebrated Christmas with our kids through out the next week.  I absolutely love Christmas and having my house full of family and friends! 
The week after, I was keeping my two granddaughters because they had no school till Jan. 
By the end of that week, I was sick with an upper respiratory/bronchial thing.  First trip to Dr. got antibiotic and cough syrup.  Second trip to Dr the next week, another antibiotic, cough syrup and prednisone.  Not fun.  I have never been knocked down like this did to me. 
And now my husband has the flu!!!   
With all that, tonight was the first night I have been back to church.  It felt great to be with the choir family tonight and sing God's praises. 


So, why do I tell you all that?  I have been home, in the house for 3 weeks.  Mostly feeling too rotten to move.  Spent nights in a chair so I wouldn't be up all  night coughing.

I find myself becoming quite a recluse.  And honestly I don't mind it.  I like staying home. (Wish I had the energy and motivation to be productive at home!)  I enjoy being around my house and the peace and quiet here.  I find the more I stay home the more I want to stay home.  

I'm wondering how many others feel like this?  I don't tend to get antsy to be out and about. I'm pretty content right here.  I do know after a while, I will get lonely and need people contact.  I do love having people  here. 

So why was it so very hard to get out of the house tonight and go back to church?  It seems to be a battle I fight the more I stay home. Once I got there, it's only 4 miles from my house, it felt so good to be back in the land of the living!  As we were singing, I could close my eyes and worship my Lord through the music and it felt wonderful.. Why, then, when I am home, do I tend to forget that and have to fight the battle again to get out? 

It seems I am a strange person. I have two sides of me I think.  One side loves my Lord with all my heart and all my soul. The other loves Him, but would rather do it from inside my own comfortable home. 

One side of me loves people. On Monday nights we have been having ladies night out at my house. A few ladies come and we just have fun. A game or two, a small snack, and a small devotion. Just a fun time out, no pressure, come as you are. And I love it!!  

The other side loves people, but has a really hard time reaching out to them.  I want to, I think about it, but I don't.  

One side of me loves to have a house full of grandkids and family. It fills my heart with joy and completeness.

The other side loves it when they all go home!  

One side of me loves my church, loves being part of the choir, loves teaching my Sunday school class. 

The other part is struggling with getting back into it after being gone for so long.  

So do you have these kind of struggles?  Am I totally weird?  Maybe it's just plain selfishness??

Do I only want to do what I want to do when I want to do it???   Oh my, look at all those I's!

Reminds me of Paul...Romans 7:15, 19-25 
    I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do -  this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ  our Lord!

It seems this is a very real battle. Only through Jesus can it be won. I know we are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together. We are to worship the Lord together.  I need to be with other Christian people who love the Lord and help me in my walk with Him. I need to sing to Him. Singing is a gift God has given me that brings me closer to Him.  Sometimes when I can't pray, I can sing. He will bring a song to my mind that perfectly describes the need.  What an awesome God!!

In closing, I would like to ask for  your prayers as I fight this battle.  I do believe it is spiritual, the enemy does not want God to be praised. He does not want God to be glorified and lifted up.  He does not want God's people to be about God's business.  

Pray that I am reminded of what God has assigned for me to do at this time in my life, and I will follow Him and not my own selfish desires. 


Thank you!

Love,
Barb